Unfortunately Yours
by eventidespirit
Summary: [30 rock] A series of oneshots exploring Jack and Liz’s relationship…or whatever it is they have going on.
1. Dance

**Unfortunately Yours**

_Dance_

Something in the universe was drastically wrong (Gravity was a myth and the earth was truly flat- people just haven't gone far enough to fall off the edge yet), because somehow, against all the odds, Jack Donaghy found himself on date number _two _with Liz Lemon, who was looking especially scruffy today and behaving more like a lummox than she usually was.

No, no, he was being far too hard on her. After all, Liz had agreed to be his date out of kindness (maybe it was pity…it probably _was_ most likely out of pity, but hell was going to freeze over and offer free ice cream to orphaned children in third world countries before Jack Donaghy took pity from anyone).

Jack was relatively thankful that he received the dreaded invitation to Bianca's wedding ("My _dearest _Johnny, I hope that you can make it to my wedding tomorrow evening…") via Fed Ex overnight delivery during dress rehearsal and not during the actual show, because he'd cursed so loudly and "eloquently" that even Tracy Jordan emitted a long, slightly shocked "Damn…" Of course Bianca had decided to send him the invitation at the very last minute. She sent it last minute so that it left him with no chance to either sabotage her wedding or to even find a decent socialite for a date. And if Jack didn't show up to the wedding, everyone would deem him uncivil and a sore ex-husband. Who knew a piece of lacy, cream colored paper could be so evil.

Jack had tried to explain all this and why he'd just fired the show's caterer to Liz. "So you see, Lemon, it's all a power play. The early bird doesn't get the worm- the cat does, because you see, the cat sneaks up on the bird and gets both the bird and the worm via laws of the food chain."

"Well Jack, that's certainly true and I do see your point about Bianca, but did you _need_ to fire our caterer for forgetting the tomatoes in your sandwich? He makes really good crab cake and even though Bianca's got it in for you, it doesn't mean that the entire world's out to get you."

However, on top of everything else, Bianca's invitation had also made Jack realize all the inadequacies present in his life. She was settling down and starting a new family, while he was still floundering about with no significant other (after Phoebe, the acerbic Liz Lemon had again, become the most constant thing in his life), and more importantly, with no microwave division. And as he admitted this all to Lemon causally and nonchalantly, she gave him that look. That look that he absolutely hated, because it was as if she saw through him completely and understood his feelings more than he himself did.

And so, Jack somehow found himself with his arm wrapped tightly around Lemon's shoulder (partially for the act and partially to prevent her from running away if Bianca started going crazy again) as they went to congratulate the newlyweds.

"Johnny! And Elizabeth…" Lemon nodded and smiled nervously at Bianca. "What an absolute surprise to see the two of you here. Perhaps my memory isn't what it used to be, but Johnny weren't you recently engaged to another girl with a bone condition?"

"Oh Phoebe? She was a lovely girl-"

"Yea, me and Jack were going through a pretty rough spot, and he used her to get me jealous."

"Ah Jack, I see that you're still as youthful as always, still playing those games of love." Though Bianca uttered those words charmingly with only the subtlest tinge of malice and criticism, they unknowingly caused Jack to raise his voice slightly. "Well Bianca-"

Liz interrupted with a surprisingly decorous reply. "We uh…just wanted to say congratulations again. You look really happy."

"You know Lemon, I had the perfect comeback for that." Jack said, between gulps of champagne moments later. "I can't believe you just let her have the last laugh."

"Oh come on Jack, I can't believe I'm saying this to you, but grow up. She just got married and you know, since she's borderline psychotic and I really don't want to get more of my hair torn out, let's just leave it at that."

Perhaps he was being somewhat immature and bitter, but when it came to Bianca, all logic escaped him. Even though he'd come out on top with the divorce settlements (he'd fought hard for Bianca's parents' love letters, which he tore up by hand, shredded, and then burned), at Bianca's wedding, amidst the "look at what poor Donaghy lost " mutterings, it felt as if he'd lost all those Arbys to her.

"Hey Jack, I've got a great idea. We can still make Bianca insanely jealous tonight."

On a purely theoretical level, Jack appreciated what Lemon was doing. He knew that she absolutely abhorred dancing to any music other than rap and hip hop and that she was trying her best. On a more pragmatic level, Jack was having trouble feeling his feet after Lemon's numerous missteps.

"Come on, Lemon, the three step waltz isn't that difficult." Jack muttered as he taught her the steps again and watched an elderly couple (one with a walking stick and the other in a wheel chair) gleam around the room swing dancing with more grace and alacrity than they'd managed all evening.

"Hey Jack, I think it's working."

"Uh no, Lemon. It's step two three. Not step stomp, ouch, three."

"No Jack, I mean Bianca…look at her." Looking in Bianca's direction, he found her engaged in a slow, elegant waltz with her new husband. Bianca's face seemed to burn redder with every clandestine glance towards them.

"Wow, she really hates you."

"No, she just hates seeing you happy."

If _that_ was the case then, Bianca hardly knew him at all. "Dancing" with Liz Lemon was hardly anything to be jealous of. Perhaps, what was really riling her up was seeing him, Johnny (no it's Jack, it's always been Jack) who used to be her proficient dance partner who absolutely could not stand clumsy partners suddenly become patient enough to spend the whole evening attempting to teach Lemon a simple three-step waltz. Jack's feet were certainly going to be sore tomorrow (he'd better schedule a foot massage session with Leo), but seeing Bianca's mouth clench tighter and tighter as her husband asked her repeatedly what was wrong and as Jack guided Lemon through her numerous dancing mishaps, Jack decided to simply relax and relish Bianca's jealousy.

"So Lemon, how about trying swing dancing again."


	2. Cryogenics

**Unfortunately Yours**

_Cryogenics_

Whenever Jack personally called her to pay him a visit in his office, Liz knew that it usually involved something big, bizarre, or both. Once Jack divulged what was really up, Liz's initial responses to these visits were always one of the following: "What _is _all this?," "This isn't what I think it is, is it?," or "Jack, are you crazy?" The last response was naturally, her most frequent response.

Today, she found herself pleasantly baffled rather than unpleasantly surprised when she saw what appeared to be three different colored space teleportation devices in the office. "Uh Jack, what is all this? This isn't what I think it is, is it?" God, she really needed to be less predictable with her responses.

"What do you think this is Lemon?"

"Props from Star Trek?" Jack Donaghy, a Star Trek fan? Liz wished that she had her Star Wars fan club pin on her, but then again Trekkies were generally scary and this could get ugly.

"No, these are actually real and functioning cryogenic freezing tanks, recommended by Dr. Spaceman. I had my three top picks shipped here, and I need you to help me pick one out."

"Jack, I don't know the first thing about cryogenics. All I know about cryogenics is that it involves freezing people and that you're having your body frozen after you die." (When Liz mentioned die, Jack corrected her with a "When I'm temporarily indisposed.") Liz, however remained curious about the devices (because honestly, when else was she ever going to see a cryogenics machine up close) and edged up to the tank nearest to her. "Don't worry, Lemon, I don't think there're any bodies in any of these although Jonathan was supposed to inspect these this morning, and I haven't seen him around since…"

"Wait, so Dr. Spaceman does cryogenics too?"

"Yea, Leo's one of the top cryogenic experts out there. Do you want me to hook you up with a special discount?"

"Uh…no thanks. Is there anything that Dr. Spaceman doesn't do? I mean don't you ever wonder about his credentials?"

"Don't be ridiculous Lemon. Leo doesn't do _that_ much. Along with being a cryogenics expert, he's just an ER surgeon, a plastic surgeon, dermatologist, sex therapist, general practitioner, and licensed foot massager."

"Oh I see…but what's with the different tanks?"

"I need help picking the color. Since I'll be frozen in the tank for several years, I want to be sure that my 'funeral' outfit will match." Jack nonchalantly said this as if he was merely testing out a punch line for Liz to evaluate.

"You have a funeral outfit?"

"Do you think I'd trust any of the Donaghys to dress my body? You don't yours yours picked out yet? You should pick one out soon-it takes far more time than you'd expect it would."

Despite how erratic the whole situation was, suddenly, Liz didn't like the direction this conversation was heading. "Wait Jack, what's with all of these funeral plans? You're not sick or anything are you?"

When Jack paused and looked slightly grave, she realized that she really didn't like where this conversation was headed. "Lemon, last month I had a heart attack and my life flashed before me. I've been getting mail from the AARP for two years…as much as I want to fight this disease of aging, I just want to be prepared for anything and everything."

It's an impulsive move that surprised the both of them but Liz (as she suddenly remembered a few, deceased older friends who had all consequently passed away around Jack's age) had no regrets when she suddenly wrapped her arms around Jack in a tight hug and rather vehemently said, "Jack Donaghy, you're never allowed to die."

"All right, Liz, I won't." Jack uttered as he hugged her back.

* * *

AN: Thanks for reading and if you've read, please do review! I appreciate feedback (flames, criticism, comments,etc) of any sort. 


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